well I am back.

Of course, I have not posted in a while. Life is still complicated. I have started a new job that I work from home. This is great since my health has good and bad days. The doctor hs ruled out autoimmune hepatitis, so they are thinking Lupus. I wake up every day hoping this is the day I don't hurt. I have decided for the new year, I will exercise more and lose weight. I may even try the "Couch to 5k". I don't know if my joints will let me but I am going to try. My daughter Miranda has moved back home. We have her working through issues with counseling, but she just told me and my husband that she is pregnant. So we will continue to support her and love her. Kimi just got her freshman 1st semester grades with a grade point average of 3.81. She is attending LSU in Shreveport for teaching. Kirk is doing great in boyscouts, swimming, karate, and in school. We stay very busy, so I will keep this short.

It's been a while.

It's been awhile since I blogged. A lot has change in my life. My family and I finally sold my childhood home. The same week we sold it, they tore down my old high school, and the little church I grew up in. It feels like someone has erased my childhood off the chalk board of life. This weekend I found out my brother wants to sell his share of farm land that was left to us. It's in the middle of mine and my sister's land. It's almost like he wants to get rid of everything that belonged to our parents.
I am waiting for the dark clouds to leave from over head of my life. I continue to stay sick with the RA and now they think I have autoimmune hepatitis. I have missed the last 3 wks of work due to terrible fatigue and pain in my right side. The dizziness is the worse. I am having a liver US on the 15th of June, then they are going to schedule me for a liver biopsy. So my health life sucks.
This past month I ask my 22 yr old dgt, Miranda to move out. She was taking advantage of the whole family. She moved her friend in that had a small child, and she never wanted to help around the house. So, due to my health and all the stress, I got fed up. I finally stood up to her. She is a LPN and works, but she does not want to grow up. I have not heard from her since she left. I know she hates me now, but I hope she understand at some point that I do love her but she needs to be on her own.
Kimi graduated high school last month. She is working as an extra in movies that are being taped in Shreveport. So look for her on "The Gates" on ABC in 2 wks.
Kirk is enjoying the summer so far. Before I got sick, we took him to Six flags for is 12th birthday. He loved it.
Well I am going to stop now and try to sleep. I will try to write soon.

Another Long Night.

Still having health issues. No energy, fatigued. Had lab drawn 3 times this week. My sed rate is very high (The higher the number the higher the inflammation in your body). My is very high this week(7 times higher that the average person). My arthritits doctor does not want to treat me with oral medications right now, because they think I am having parathyroid issues. Waiting for lab to come back with the verdict. I am wired for sound and cannot sleep tonight, because the Doctor did give me a celestone shot to give me short term relieve from the arthirits. Now I am now just tired, in pain and bouncing off the walls. If that makes any sense?

Thinking a lot of Mom today. That woman was strong as a ox. Here I am complaining, and she must had 10 times the pain and never complained. I wrote a little something that I contribute to her. It almost sounds like a "tear jerking country music song". Oh well here it goes, No bad comments please, I need some good karma sent my way.

Take My Hand, Child

When I was a little girl, pigtails with ribbons and bows; She would say "take my hand, child and lets takes a walk". I need to chase butterflies and smell purple flowers. Too busy to take her hand and walk.

When I was a teenager, with stars in my eyes and speed in my tires; She would say "take my hand, child and lets take a walk". I need to chase country boys and wear prom dresses. Too busy to take her hand and walk.

When I was a young woman, with a man to love and dollars to make; She would say "take my hand, child and lets take a walk". I need to chase small children and climb the corporate ladder. Too busy to take her hand and walk.

When I was a middle-age woman, with tears in my eyes and hopes and dreams to tell; I would say "take my hand, Mom and lets talk. I need to hear those words and thoughts of yester-years.

She responded by saying "Child, time to say goodbye, to hold his hand, and walk".

I LOVE AND MISS U MOM. WISH U WERE HERE TO HOLD MY HAND AND WALK.

no understanding

I went to an another Doctor appointment today. I hear all the diagnosis in disbelief and do not understand why at 44 years old why I have all these problems. Within the last few years and months, I was diagnosed with vitiligo, rheumatoid arthritis, osteoarthritis of spine and hips, fibromyalgia, L4 and L 5 rupture discs, osteopenia of right hip, and osteoporosis. I live in constant pain. I do not understand, my husband does not understand and my kids do not understand. My husband thinks I need a lot of exercising and I will be alright. I try to exercise and then the next day, I am in bed all day. I am being referred to a physical therapy, so hopefully I can start exercising. I know I need to lose some weight, but I need to exercise more. The doctor's scare me with the High risk of fractures and nerve damage talk. I ask the doctor was all these problems luck of the genetic draw or was it related to the years of steroids I was given as a child due the lung issues I had. I was born premature so that is another issue. The doctor stated it was probably due to all the above. Since My mom died of an autoimmune disorder the genetic thing is a big issue.

I am sick and tired of being in pain. I live on pills and more pills. I am sick and tired of people not understanding. I cannot not plan in advance on things due to I may feel bad that day. My kids do not understand why I have good and bad days. I am also being referred to a Pain doctor to help manage my pain. Here I am a 44 year old with bones of a 78 yo. I just do not understand.

no understanding

SOCK FAILURE

I have been trying for weeks knit a sock on 3 dpns without luck. I go raverly and lust over others accomplishment but resent myself for not been able to knit a sock myself. I am not giving up and hopefully I can get it soon.

Well I am down in my back again. I tired of having pain all the time. I remember how strong Mom was with her illness. and I think I can do it to. RA is kicking my ass though. I am going to the doctor in morning.

My kids are graying my hair faster and faster. M is not coming home at night and she does not call. I know she is 21 years old but I have ask her to call me when she is not coming home. She is the most stubborn child I have got. K ran up a very high cell phone bill. She felt so guilty that she went out and got herself a job. D and L is still in Slidell LA and living with her parents. D got himself a job at Target and L got herself a job at Hobby Lobby. Lucky girl. Both of them will start RN school in Aug. I hope it works out for them. Have not seen the Gbaby lately. B is still in school for toxicology. Watch out CSI when she graduate. Baby K will be turning 11 in May. I can not believe he will be in Middle school next year. I went to sign him up for Middle school last week. He wants to play the drums in band. I guess S and I will be wearing ear plugs next year.

Well I still need to help my sister with cleaning MOM's house in AR, but its so hard to pack away memories and giving away others. I wish I could call heaven daily just to hear her voice. Oh darn hear comes the tears again. I just miss her SO SO SO much.

Well I am going to cut this short and dry my tears. Follow me on PLurk and Twitter as Nursetoes. My email is nursetoes@gmail.com.

Bye bye for now

Penny

Memories

Yesterday I went to Arkansas to help my sister to go through Mom's things. Very tough!!!

It made it more real that she is gone. My brother had already took some pics off the wall. I may be crazy but it breaks my heart to see things come off the walls. Mom and Dad had pics of us kids and grandkids all over the walls. It was comforting to walk in the house and see the family pics and this one picture of Jesus that hangs over the fireplace. This picture was a gift my dad gave my mom from a dollar store when My older Brother Danny died. He was 18 months old when he was accidently ran over by my Mom. Mom was very strong in her faith and that picture was a reminder to me that Jesus is where her strength came from. That picture is a cherish heirloom that my Dad may have paid 10 dollars for in the 50's. My parents lived through many terrible things in their lifetime but they never let us kids dwell on the past.

I feel so alone without my Mom.